Let's Kill Jaken
by Mistress Nika
Summary: Total randomness! Jaken bashing! ONESHOT


~Disclaimer=I do not own InuYasha. If I did, I could probably come up with something better than this... I do, however, own the German Speaking Elves and the Harbinger of Random Destruction. Well, more like they moved into my head and took over... -_-  
  
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This is a little something born from total and complete boredom. Jaken encounters German Speaking Elves and the Harbinger of Random Destruction. Two little creatures that have taken up residence in my head and won't move out.  
  
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A flash of light finds the fugly toad in a brightly lit, solid white room with no windows, no doors and no distinguishing features. The only other person in the room is an innocent looking human girl with long blonde hair and brown eyes. Suddenly twenty little green creatures with pointy ears wearing pointed pink hats, forest green clothes and big floppy red shoes pop up and fill the room. The girl smiles brightly, holds out her arms in greeting and the creatures say joyfully as one in a high pitched voice, "Willkommen Willkommen zu Ihrem Schicksal!!"  
  
The toad's eyes go wider than normal, if that's even possible, and he shouts, "What!? You're not making any sense! Where am I?" He then begins dashing about the room calling frantically for, "Sesshoumaru-sama!!"  
  
The girl continues smiling giddily and says, "They said 'Welcome! Welcome to your doom!!'"  
  
The toad screeches to a halt and looks around him. All the creatures are staring at him expentantly. He asks cautiously, "What do you mean, 'my doom'? Who are you? What are you? Where am I!?" He begins to get frantic for a way out and his eyes dart around the room.  
  
The girl continues smiling and the creatures say, "Wir sind die deutschsprechenden Elfe! Sie ist das Harbinger der gelegentlichen Zerstörung! Sie sind in der ernsten Gefahr!!"  
  
The girl translates once again and says, "We are the German Speaking Elves! She is the Harbinger of Random Destruction! You are in serious danger!"  
  
Jaken: O_O  
  
Girl: (whips out a flame thrower and sets Jaken ablaze) Whee!! ^^  
  
Elves: Froschschenkel sind geschmackvoll!  
  
Girl: (continues BBQing Jaken) ^_^ Frog legs are tasty!  
  
Jaken: (runs around the room, screaming in pain) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Elves: (creepy gremlin laugh) hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!  
  
Girl: (puts away flame thrower; whips out a garden hose; begins spraying Jaken) ^__^  
  
Elves: (dance merrily and sings:) Sterben Sie nicht noch! Sterben Sie nicht noch!  
  
Girl: (puts out flames) Don't die yet! Don't die yet!  
  
Jaken: (collapses on floor, singed but not burnt) *sigh*  
  
Girl: (materializes a set of long tongs with a brightly glowing coal held between them) ^_^  
  
Elves: Sizzle! Sizzle! Was ist dieser Geruch? Froschbrötchen!!  
  
Girl: (chases Jaken around the room, poking the coal to his butt each time she gets close...which is often) Sizzle! Sizzle! What's that smell? Frog buns!! ^_^  
  
Girl: (drops the tongs and trips over them) . (looks disappointed)  
  
Jaken: (sweatdrop, sigh of relief)  
  
Elves: Was ist folgend? Was ist folgend?  
  
Girl: (recovers) ^__^ What's next? What's next? (whips out a pencil)  
  
Jaken: (looks at her warily)  
  
Girl: (uses the pencil to draw something in mid-air...a giant mallet; puts away pencil and takes up giant mallet) ^_^  
  
Jaken: -_-  
  
Elves: Smash die Kröte! Schlagen Sie die Kröte heftig! Zerstoßen Sie die Kröte!  
  
Girl: (chases Jaken around the room, hitting the ground right where he was standing each time) ^_^ Smash the toad! Bash the toad! Pound the toad!  
  
Jaken: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Girl: (misses the ground...hit's Jaken) o_o (picks up giant mallet; frog goo comes with it)  
  
Elves: (cringe) Eeewww!!!  
  
Girl: O_O.............................................^_^  
  
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(A/N) Well, I think it's safe to say, Jaken did not escape my mind. I wanted to prolong his suffering, but I couldn't think of more ways to torture him. Gonna go work on something serious now. (I should never be allowed sugar. It makes for strange fics like this.) Flames will be given to the Harbinger of Random Destruction. Just imagine what she could do with them! And I don't want to hear a word about my German. That's what the translator gave me, so that's what I used.  
  
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Thank you to those who reviewed the first time I went crazy and thank you to those who didn't review because if you did this lunacy would probably have continued.  
  
lilhillbillie: I enjoy scaring people! (shifty eyes) Oh no. Don't tell anyone but...as long as I'm in front of my com writing this stuff the world is not safe. This is where I plan my strategy and eventual victory. o_o  
  
Jodea Moondreamer: Thanks for the suggestions. I might use them some other time but for right now I'm making this a oneshot Jaken-bashing fic. Thankies imouto!!  
  
Some Person: Um...I forget who signed their reviews "some person". Was it Nami? Or...uh... Oh who cares! Thank you anyway! And yes, my fangirls fic is in the making.^^ Bishys beware...randomness is approaching. And the Coconut song! Anyone know that song? "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." (continues singing)  
  
setsuo kurashimi: Yay!!! Another person who hates Jaken! I was going for weird btw. 


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